A couple weeks after I came off those 18 years of emotionally numbing meds a few years ago, my body started experiencing some new stuff, because I wasn't numb anymore. My solar plexus (upper belly below the ribs) filled with a deep dark "pit" full of fear, that was at its peak between 4-7am. It would slowly get less throughout the day, but for nearly 5 years, it's been there 24/7, without going away. It was so strong that it actually caused physical pain.
At the same time, chronic body pains set in, deep into my muscles and bones, and I started losing my strength. That has also lasted 24/7 for nearly 5 years. It would lessen as the day went on, but it never went away. Every few weeks to every few months I would have flareups.
I've utilized acupuncture, baltic amber inflammation beads, energy work, homeopathic medicine, herbs, essential oils, yoga, meditation, prayer, blessings, chiropractic, massage... And other than occasional and temporary *somewhat* relief to lessen the pain, NOTHING was working. Why when these things worked so well on other things, were they not working for this?
Nearly every morning since this started, I've spent anywhere from a few minutes to a few hours, in tears, until things would calm down enough to go about my day.
Last year I finally figured out one of the reasons for the "pit of fear in my stomach", and I prayed a specific prayer to ask for help. The next morning I woke up for the first time in 4 years, with about 75% of it gone. I was SO grateful. But there was still that 25% that didn't go away. WHY?
My muscles are strong in the sense that I can usually move even heavy furniture by myself, but they're weak at times, so much that it hurts to even empty the dishwasher or look out the side window in the car. I remember laying sod with my husband when we moved into this house, and I collapsed on the grass sobbing, because it hurt so bad to move the pieces into place.
Some days I would push through with homeschooling, clients, errands, yard work, family events, etc., and other days I knew I needed to honor my body & emotions, cancel everything, & rest all day.
2 months ago I was introduced to a yoga instructor named Anna Molgard, owner of Flowing Tree Yoga. She works with long distance clients, including me, through online video chat (Facetime, etc.) I've done yoga classes before locally, but even though I could tell it was benefitting me, I had to stop after a while because of the pain & inability to hold poses very long. But I felt very drawn to Anna & signed up for her weekly live online yoga classes, hoping it would help. It only only lasted a couple weeks, because as much as I love & believe in the power of yoga, I couldn't hold the poses from the pain...
After telling her about my situation, she suggested working one-on-one for a while with yoga therapy sessions. During our first private session, I found out she specializes in working with people who have experienced trauma.
I told her everything I'd done in the past, working through the chemical, emotional, energetic, and spiritual layers. She let me know that everything I'd done was perfect, & that what was left, was my body doing its job on a PHYSICAL level, to protect me & keep me safe. She encouraged me to honor that, and even though it's painful, to find gratitude in my body working for me & being my friend.
4 days after that 2nd session, on Sunday morning, Oct 16th, I woke up and laid in bed for a couple of minutes, before realizing that the pit in my solar plexus was gone. 100%, without a doubt, gone. That fast.
It almost scared me, because it had become such a part of me, that I didn't remember what it was like to not feel it, & I was also afraid of it coming back. Every morning I woke up with caution & anticipation, doing my best to believe it was no longer a part of my life.
On this Thanksgiving Day, it has been 5 1/2 weeks, and the pit is still gone. I know I am healed from that part of my life. Anna is one of my earthly angels, and I'm forever grateful for her.
The body pains are still there. We're continuing to work through that, and it's really hard, I'm not gonna lie. Some days I can't do anything, and some days I cry a lot. Some days are hard, and some days I do pretty well.
I also had another bowel obstruction last week. (#15, I believe?) I was able to work through it on my own & not have to go into the hospital again, thank goodness. I've had to work on more forgiveness of the doctor who messed my intestines up with that first surgery 10 years ago. And in addition to the physical / mechanical issues there, I'm pretty sure I know, once again, what the emotional trigger was that caused this one. Because of the memory in my cells, they are working on a physical level to protect. Life is so interesting, isn't it?
BUT with a new perspective of what my body is doing for me, I'm hopeful that when the time is right, healing will come once again. Sometimes having gratitude can feel really hard. I can't truthfully say I'm grateful FOR my trials, but I can honestly say I'm grateful IN my trials. I am doing my very best to stay in the spirit of gratitude, come what may.
And I'm grateful for my friend, Kevin Clayson, who blessed me with his life changing book, "Flip the Gratitude Switch".
Even as I struggle a bit again today, I have so many things to be grateful for, and I AM grateful.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone. <3
It's been said that shame is the lowest frequency/vibrational state you can be in. However, if you think about it, shame is merely a form of fear. I believe fear is actually the lowest frequency/vibration in existence.
Faith & fear cannot exist simultaneously. If we can focus our thoughts (even if we don't think we believe them at first) on faith & moving forward with hope, then eventually those fearful thoughts & feelings will have no choice but to fade. Often times people really struggle with focusing on the positive, especially when their lives have been full of traumatic negative experiences.
FAITH = The substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. (Heb. 11: 1)
Did you catch that? Faith is a substance! It's a THING. Faith is an energy. It's HIGH FREQUENCY VIBRATION.
Some people are able to bring themselves to a place where they release fear & replace it with faith on their own. Others really struggle with this & have a more difficult time letting go, because there are subconscious beliefs that need to be released, & their conscious thinking overrides what the spirit knows as truth (That God is in control & no matter what happens... Everything will be ok.) For those who have a hard time with letting go of fear on your own, methods like SimplyHealed™ can help tremendously in allowing this process to take place. Whether you want to try the release/replace on your own without any assistance - or allow an emotional release practitioner to help you in the process, now just might be the time to embrace the idea of letting your faith be bigger than your fear, so you can more forward in your life, accomplish all you were meant to accomplish, & be who you were meant to be.
Releasing fear & being full of faith is EXTREMELY liberating & peaceful.
"When you understand that fear puts you on a frequency of attracting more fearful events and circumstances into your life, you will realize how important it is to move off that frequency. People are in fear of losing their job, paying the bills, getting sick, and the list goes on. But the fear of those things summons them to us. In every instance fear comes from thinking thoughts of what you don’t want, so the way to turn that around is to think the opposite thoughts, which are thoughts of what you do want. Keep thinking thoughts of what you want until you feel better. When you feel noticeably better, you have moved on to a different frequency."
I love this NASA photo. If you've never seen it before, it's called the "Helix Nebula" - or "The Eye of God. Every time I see it, I can't help but be reminded that God is in control. He sees the big picture. He knows all. He has a handle on everything. He wants us to be successful. He wants us to be happy. He wants us to heal. He knows us. He loves us.
While I don't intend this to be a religious environment, there are spiritual elements I can't ignore. I cannot have this website without publicly expressing gratitude to Him, who is my biggest supporter, the creator of this path I'm on, & the source of ALL healing & abundance.
Healing can mean being completely cured, having our burdens eased, or being given the understanding, courage, & strength needed to endure to the end. After years of scattered mental, emotional, & physical illness, and feeling hopeless, I finally laid my burdens at His feet. Today I'm still in awe of the healing, easing, understanding, & strengthening that He has given me, since the day I turned it over to Him.
Whenever I begin to lose faith, feel hopeless, or carry burden, I turn to Him for strength & continued healing, and I do my best to be grateful in all things, even when those 'things' are
really. really. hard.
I'm left speechless at the magnitude of His love, His influence, His vastness, His infinite power. I feel so tiny & insignificant in this never ending realm of existence, & yet I know that to Him... I am everything. To Him... you are everything.
I'm grateful to be an instrument in His hands, as I continue to help others in their healing journeys. I'm grateful for all of the many tangible tools for healing that He has made available to us including nutrition, holistic medicine, conventional medicine, energy work, prayer, faith, and all others.
Two questions I have been taught to ask myself in times of personal trial are these:
- Is there a potentially destructive pattern in your life?
- When discouraged do you feel overwhelmed - and in desperation seek for others to solve your problems, overlooking your own capacity to make much improvement?
(Richard G. Scott - "To Be Healed")
Whether your belief system is God, the Universe, Spirit, Intelligence, or another Higher Power, BELIEVE in your ability to heal & be abundant. The Source of Light & Love are endlessly liberating, empowering, & full of peace.
As I was writing this post today, I came across a poem written by my colleague & mentor, Marnie Pehrson. (Literally right in the middle of doing this post!) I think I was supposed to find it exactly when I did. She's given me permission to share it. I'm also including one of my favorite little 3 1/2 minute videos of all time at the end. "The Most Astounding Fact". I promise. It's worth it. More than 6 million others would say the same thing :)
Here's to you - and to me - in our journey - whatever journey that may be...
I keep going round in circles.
Will this challenge never end?
Why do my trials repeat themselves?
Not much more can I withstand!
Then I call upon the heavens.
God’s grace attends as I pray.
The lesson becomes crystal clear:
My thoughts do me betray.
I have expected to go in circles.
In my heart I did not believe
That anything could be different
And so my trials did I relive.
Now I will envision better paths
For my successful life to take.
In time I will expect the best and
A better life my thoughts will make.
For as a man thinketh
In his heart of hearts is he.
God grants according to desires.
What we expect will certainly be.
Circles by Marnie L. Pehrson
Live Without Regrets
Me at age 31
Me at age 43
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