A couple weeks after I came off those 18 years of emotionally numbing meds a few years ago, my body started experiencing some new stuff, because I wasn't numb anymore. My solar plexus (upper belly below the ribs) filled with a deep dark "pit" full of fear, that was at its peak between 4-7am. It would slowly get less throughout the day, but for nearly 5 years, it's been there 24/7, without going away. It was so strong that it actually caused physical pain.
At the same time, chronic body pains set in, deep into my muscles and bones, and I started losing my strength. That has also lasted 24/7 for nearly 5 years. It would lessen as the day went on, but it never went away. Every few weeks to every few months I would have flareups.
I've utilized acupuncture, baltic amber inflammation beads, energy work, homeopathic medicine, herbs, essential oils, yoga, meditation, prayer, blessings, chiropractic, massage... And other than occasional and temporary *somewhat* relief to lessen the pain, NOTHING was working. Why when these things worked so well on other things, were they not working for this?
Nearly every morning since this started, I've spent anywhere from a few minutes to a few hours, in tears, until things would calm down enough to go about my day.
Last year I finally figured out one of the reasons for the "pit of fear in my stomach", and I prayed a specific prayer to ask for help. The next morning I woke up for the first time in 4 years, with about 75% of it gone. I was SO grateful. But there was still that 25% that didn't go away. WHY?
My muscles are strong in the sense that I can usually move even heavy furniture by myself, but they're weak at times, so much that it hurts to even empty the dishwasher or look out the side window in the car. I remember laying sod with my husband when we moved into this house, and I collapsed on the grass sobbing, because it hurt so bad to move the pieces into place.
Some days I would push through with homeschooling, clients, errands, yard work, family events, etc., and other days I knew I needed to honor my body & emotions, cancel everything, & rest all day.
2 months ago I was introduced to a yoga instructor named Anna Molgard, owner of Flowing Tree Yoga. She works with long distance clients, including me, through online video chat (Facetime, etc.) I've done yoga classes before locally, but even though I could tell it was benefitting me, I had to stop after a while because of the pain & inability to hold poses very long. But I felt very drawn to Anna & signed up for her weekly live online yoga classes, hoping it would help. It only only lasted a couple weeks, because as much as I love & believe in the power of yoga, I couldn't hold the poses from the pain...
After telling her about my situation, she suggested working one-on-one for a while with yoga therapy sessions. During our first private session, I found out she specializes in working with people who have experienced trauma.
I told her everything I'd done in the past, working through the chemical, emotional, energetic, and spiritual layers. She let me know that everything I'd done was perfect, & that what was left, was my body doing its job on a PHYSICAL level, to protect me & keep me safe. She encouraged me to honor that, and even though it's painful, to find gratitude in my body working for me & being my friend.
4 days after that 2nd session, on Sunday morning, Oct 16th, I woke up and laid in bed for a couple of minutes, before realizing that the pit in my solar plexus was gone. 100%, without a doubt, gone. That fast.
It almost scared me, because it had become such a part of me, that I didn't remember what it was like to not feel it, & I was also afraid of it coming back. Every morning I woke up with caution & anticipation, doing my best to believe it was no longer a part of my life.
On this Thanksgiving Day, it has been 5 1/2 weeks, and the pit is still gone. I know I am healed from that part of my life. Anna is one of my earthly angels, and I'm forever grateful for her.
The body pains are still there. We're continuing to work through that, and it's really hard, I'm not gonna lie. Some days I can't do anything, and some days I cry a lot. Some days are hard, and some days I do pretty well.
I also had another bowel obstruction last week. (#15, I believe?) I was able to work through it on my own & not have to go into the hospital again, thank goodness. I've had to work on more forgiveness of the doctor who messed my intestines up with that first surgery 10 years ago. And in addition to the physical / mechanical issues there, I'm pretty sure I know, once again, what the emotional trigger was that caused this one. Because of the memory in my cells, they are working on a physical level to protect. Life is so interesting, isn't it?
BUT with a new perspective of what my body is doing for me, I'm hopeful that when the time is right, healing will come once again. Sometimes having gratitude can feel really hard. I can't truthfully say I'm grateful FOR my trials, but I can honestly say I'm grateful IN my trials. I am doing my very best to stay in the spirit of gratitude, come what may.
And I'm grateful for my friend, Kevin Clayson, who blessed me with his life changing book, "Flip the Gratitude Switch".
Even as I struggle a bit again today, I have so many things to be grateful for, and I AM grateful.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone. <3
Do you think you're creative? I've met people who honestly think they don't have a creative bone in their body. But guess what. They're wrong. If you think you're not creative, think again. And I'm not just talking arts & crafts! That 'could' be it, but there are other avenues of creativity too. Writing, speaking, teaching, serving, building, inventing, designing... Endless possibilities.
From the moment you were born, you were creating.
Your creative pilot light is always on, even if you're not consciously, purposefully, & physically creating something... yet. It's just sitting there inside waiting to be used. Sometimes it takes a while to notice the little shining pilot light, and it patiently waits until you do notice. Creation begins with a single thought. And so from the beginning of when YOU were created, you have been creating. Congratulations! Give yourself a hand.
We create in every single aspect of our lives. Family, education, business, relationships, recreation, church, etc. We have an infinite number of creative centers in our brains. Some have never been opened & need to be, & others have, for whatever reason, been shut down & simply need opened up once again. You are a creative genius!
"Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive and GO DO IT. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive." - Howard Thurman
Maybe you're afraid of failure. Maybe you're afraid of wasting your time or materials. Maybe you think you're not good enough. So what? Do it anyway. What's the worst that can happen?
The 15 strategies for manifesting your creative gifts that I'm about to share with you, I call the C.I.A.
Creative Intelligence in Action
#1 - Create a space for your CIA. Whatever is comfortable, beautiful, inspiring, purposeful, safe, relaxing, dreamy... If it gives you a positive sense of feeling, include it in your space.
#2 - Create time for your CIA. Even if it's 15 minutes each day. Consciously give yourself time to work on this. It is a gift.
#3 - Allow a little chaos. Maybe it's "organized chaos", but sometimes a little chaos can get the creative juices flowing. Just so long as it feels good & brings you joy. Open yourself up & don't be afraid of a little mess here & there.
#4 - Explore your options. Take a local class or an online course. Try something new, even if you don't know whether you'll enjoy it. Watch others be creative. It may inspire you.
#5 - Give yourself permission to be imperfect & just enjoy the process. My friend Meredith owns a popular blog called "Perfection Pending", & I believe that phrase fits perfectly here.
#6 - Go inside yourself. Find a quiet place each day... or week... and explore your inner self. Your mind, your body, your spirit. Pay attention to what it's telling you & how it feels. You'll be amazed at what you learn about you.
"Unless you begin to uncover yourself from the bottom of the heaping, mountainous pile of your obligations and busyness, you might not get a crack of time to cultivate your creative self." - Unknown
#7 - Allow pleasure into your life. Seek it. What makes you happy? What brings out your inner child? What do you want? What do you need? What do you desire? What do you love?
#8 - Have vision. See it in your mind. Think on it. Concentrate on it. Write it down. Say it out loud. Record it. Draw pictures of it. Like goals... when you get it out of your head & into a more concrete form, you're on your way to manifesting, creating success, & having it actually come about.
#9 - Have passion. What are you passionate about? Is it something you love? Is it something you hate? What interests you? What do you want to contribute to the world? What would you change, if you could? Get passionate about SOMETHING.
#10 - Have purpose. Everyone has a purpose in life. By combining desire, vision, & passion, you will begin to find your soul purpose in life.
#11 - Trust yourself, & trust God. If you feel fear, it's ok. Use it to your benefit with these 3 things:
Face it... Simply acknowledge the fear.
Fake it... Pretend to know what you're doing, even if you don't, & just do it anyway.
Faith it... Plant that little mustard seed, water it, & let it grow.
"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1 Eventually the fruits of your labors will come about, & all that fear will subside.
#12 - Repeat. Once you've unlocked your creative genius, don't stop. Practice it.
#13 - Share it. The more you share it, the more you will master it.
#14 - Shine! When you allow your light to shine, you give others permission to do the same. "A city that is set on a hill cannot be hid. Neither do men light a candle, and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto all that are in the house." Matthew 5:14 Shining has an endless ripple effect. This world needs more light. It really does.
#15 - Be grateful. Above all, be grateful for the gifts you have within you, those creative gifts you were Divinely given. Once you've unlocked your creative genius, the 2 greatest ways to show gratitude are to thank God for giving you your gifts, and to use them for the benefit of others. which in turn benefits you. I learned this past weekend at a seminar from Kevin Clayson of Gratifuel - Flipping the Gratitude Switch, that despite what Webster Dictionary says... Gratitude is actually a verb. Gratitude & faith actually go hand in hand. You can't have one without the other, & they both require action.
I've always had a passion for all things creative. Over the years I've gotten more specific with those passions. In the past, they were centered around craft projects of any kind, which I still love, but I have evolved. In addition to my first & foremost purpose of wife & mom, my creative genius (my purpose) extends beyond that even further, in helping helping & teaching others how to heal, be healthy, & create their IDEALife (Individual Divine Empowering Abundant Life).
Do you know you're purpose? Have you unlocked your creative genius? If not yet, why not start now? I'd love to hear what you discover. :)
If you haven't seen the New York Times best seller, "The Hidden Messages in Water", by Japanese scientist Masaru Emoto, now is the time! Emoto graduated from Yokohama Municipal University & the Open International University as a Doctor of Alternative Medicine. Through his outstanding scientific skills, he discovered that molecules of water are directly affected by our thoughts, words, & feelings. Humans & the earth are composed mostly of water, & this information has profound impact on our own personal health & the environment both. This is one of my favorite books & sits in my home library of health & wellness.
Water is the most important substance we can feed our bodies. We are comprised of mostly water. We also speak words & phrases multiple times per day. Both of these are a huge part of who we are.
After reading this book for the first time a couple of years ago & seeing all of the amazing high-powered microscopic photos of how water crystals react to being exposed to positive & negative energies (our thoughts, words, & feelings) - I've gained a respect for water (and positive energy) that I never had before.
Some of the profound results in his experiments are shown through the following words & sounds as well as a few more pictured in the photo at the end of this post:
Love/Gratitude vs. Hate
Angel vs. Satan
Classical/Gospel Music vs. Heavy Metal
Television, Computer, Cell Phone, & Microwave Oven
Tap Water vs. Pure Spring Water
"Thank You" (in various languages!)
There are many more examples in his other works, & it's just fascinating.
So... Why am I telling you about this? Because I know first hand that thoughts have everything to do with healing & creating good health. It's a part of self care, & what energy we give out directly affects others also. What goes around comes around! (Did you know that what we send out to the universe is returned to us - but multiplied?)
Rid yourself of negative words (including swear words & using God's name in vain). Say kind words & positive things to yourself & others. Throw out that heavy metal & hard rock. Listen to uplifting music with a positive message. Watch good entertainment that doesn't promote glorified violence & immorality. Watch things that have good quality worth while stories & will have a positive lasting effect on your life for the better. Let go of hate & anger.. Forgive yourself. Forgive others who have wronged you. Have gratitude for EVERYTHING - including water. And then... teach this to your children & share it with those around you.
Your emotional, spiritual, & physical health depend on it!
I love this NASA photo. If you've never seen it before, it's called the "Helix Nebula" - or "The Eye of God. Every time I see it, I can't help but be reminded that God is in control. He sees the big picture. He knows all. He has a handle on everything. He wants us to be successful. He wants us to be happy. He wants us to heal. He knows us. He loves us.
While I don't intend this to be a religious environment, there are spiritual elements I can't ignore. I cannot have this website without publicly expressing gratitude to Him, who is my biggest supporter, the creator of this path I'm on, & the source of ALL healing & abundance.
Healing can mean being completely cured, having our burdens eased, or being given the understanding, courage, & strength needed to endure to the end. After years of scattered mental, emotional, & physical illness, and feeling hopeless, I finally laid my burdens at His feet. Today I'm still in awe of the healing, easing, understanding, & strengthening that He has given me, since the day I turned it over to Him.
Whenever I begin to lose faith, feel hopeless, or carry burden, I turn to Him for strength & continued healing, and I do my best to be grateful in all things, even when those 'things' are
really. really. hard.
I'm left speechless at the magnitude of His love, His influence, His vastness, His infinite power. I feel so tiny & insignificant in this never ending realm of existence, & yet I know that to Him... I am everything. To Him... you are everything.
I'm grateful to be an instrument in His hands, as I continue to help others in their healing journeys. I'm grateful for all of the many tangible tools for healing that He has made available to us including nutrition, holistic medicine, conventional medicine, energy work, prayer, faith, and all others.
Two questions I have been taught to ask myself in times of personal trial are these:
- Is there a potentially destructive pattern in your life?
- When discouraged do you feel overwhelmed - and in desperation seek for others to solve your problems, overlooking your own capacity to make much improvement?
(Richard G. Scott - "To Be Healed")
Whether your belief system is God, the Universe, Spirit, Intelligence, or another Higher Power, BELIEVE in your ability to heal & be abundant. The Source of Light & Love are endlessly liberating, empowering, & full of peace.
As I was writing this post today, I came across a poem written by my colleague & mentor, Marnie Pehrson. (Literally right in the middle of doing this post!) I think I was supposed to find it exactly when I did. She's given me permission to share it. I'm also including one of my favorite little 3 1/2 minute videos of all time at the end. "The Most Astounding Fact". I promise. It's worth it. More than 6 million others would say the same thing :)
Here's to you - and to me - in our journey - whatever journey that may be...
I keep going round in circles.
Will this challenge never end?
Why do my trials repeat themselves?
Not much more can I withstand!
Then I call upon the heavens.
God’s grace attends as I pray.
The lesson becomes crystal clear:
My thoughts do me betray.
I have expected to go in circles.
In my heart I did not believe
That anything could be different
And so my trials did I relive.
Now I will envision better paths
For my successful life to take.
In time I will expect the best and
A better life my thoughts will make.
For as a man thinketh
In his heart of hearts is he.
God grants according to desires.
What we expect will certainly be.
Circles by Marnie L. Pehrson
Live Without Regrets
Me at age 31
Me at age 43
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